The Raising and Training of Children

Know that a child is a trust in the hands of the mother and father. His pure heart is a precious gem that can be molded like wax and it is a tabula rasa. It is like clean earth which will grow any seed you throw into it. If you a sow good seed it will achieve the happiness of religion and the world, and the mother, father, and teacher will share in the spiritual reward of that. If it is it’s the opposite, then (the child) will be miserable and they will share in whatever (misfortune) comes to him. God Most High says: “Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire.” (Surah At-Tahrim, 66:6) Preserve yourselves and your children from the fire of hell. It is more important to protect your children from the fire of hell than from the fire of this world.

Protecting him is by means of training him, instilling a good character in him, and protecting him from bad companions; for the origins of all kinds of corruption arise from bad companions. He should not be habituated to comfort and ease and to wearing fine clothing, for then he will not be able to do without them and will waste his entire life in trying to get them. Rather, one should try from the very beginning, so that the woman whose milk he drinks should be righteous, of good character, and one whose subsistence is lawful, because a bad character spreads from the wet nurse, and the milk which is produced from unlawful nourishment is unclean. The flesh and skin of the child develops from (that unlawful milk) and an affinity to that (unlawfulness) will develop in his nature that will become apparent after puberty.

When (the child) begins to talk, his first word must be "God" (Allah), and this must be continually prompted to him. When he begins to feel shame about some things, this is good news and the proof that the enlightening rays of reason have fallen upon him. He makes a policeman out of shame that embarrasses him at every unseemliness.

The first thing that will be discovered in (the infant) is a voracious appetite for nourishment. One must begin teaching him the behavior of eating so that he eats with the right hand, saying: "In the name of God" (bismillah). (He should) not eat rapidly, and chew small bites; nor should he look at what others are eating, nor take another morsel in his hand until he has swallowed that one in his mouth. (He should) not soil his hand and clothing. From time to time give him plain bread so that he not become habituated to stew. One should make overeating appear unseemly to him and say: "That is the way of dumb animals and the unwise." One should criticize a child who eats too much in his presence and praise a child who eats little and observes the rules of etiquette in his presence, so that the vein of pride may pulse in him and he too become like that.

One should make white clothing seem good to his eye, and one should hold silken and colored clothing blameworthy to his eye, saying: "Those are the affair of women and lovelies, and self-adornment is the affair of the effeminate, not the affair of men." One should take care that children wearing silk garments and enjoying comfort and ease do not fall in with him and that he does not see them; for that will be his ruin as he will also desire them. One should keep (the child) from bad companions. Every child not so guarded will become impudent, lying, stubborn, and reckless. These (qualities) will not depart from his nature for long time.

When he is handed over to school, he learns the Qur’an. After that, he studies the Traditions, the stories of the saints, the lives of the Companions and the forefathers. Of course one does not permit him to occupy himself with verses in which there is talk of love and the characteristics of women. One should guard him from the teacher who says: "One's nature becomes refined with that." He is not a teacher; rather, he is a devil who is sowing the seed of corruption in (the child).

When the child is working well and a good character appears in him, he should be praised and one should give him something to make him happy, and one should praise him before others. However, if he makes a mistake once or twice, it should be overlooked so that words (of admonition) not become ineffectual, especially if (the error) is not public. If one talks too much to him, he will become emboldened and commit (the mistake) openly. When he continues to repeat (the mistake), one should reprimand him privately, saying: "Take care that no one learn this about you, for you will be disgraced among the people and you will be held of account." The father should keep his dignity with him and the mother make him fear his father.

One should not permit him to sleep during the day; he will become lazy. He should not sleep upon soft bedclothes at night so that his body will grow strong. One should not prevent him for playing an hour everyday so that he will become well trained and not become gloomy, which leads to a bad nature and his becoming dull. One should make him accustomed to being humble with all persons and to refrain from boasting or bragging to other children.

He should not accept anything from (other) children; rather, he should give to them. He should be told: "Accepting (things) is the work of beggars and those lacking in good ambition." He should, of course, not open himself to the appetite for gold, silver, and goods that he receives from another person, for he will be spoiled by that and fall into unbecoming habits.

One should teach him that he should not to spit or blow the fluid out of his nose in the presence of others. He should not turn his back upon people; he should sit properly and not put his hand under his chin, for that is the proof of indolence. He should not talk much and, of course, not swear oaths. He should not speak until addressed. He should respect those older than he, and he should not approach them (on his own). He should eschew curses and foul language. If the teacher beats him, one should tell him not to cry out, complain too much, or rouse an intercessor. He should be patient and say: "This is the work of men. Crying aloud is the work of women and serving girls."

When he is seven years old, he should be ordered to perform the formal prayers and observe the rules of purification. When he is ten years old, if he misses formal prayer, one should beat and correct him. One should make theft, eating the unlawful, and lying unseemly in his eyes and always treat them with contempt.

When he is brought up like this, he is told the underlying reasons for these rules of conduct when he achieves puberty: "The object of food is that it gives strength to the servant for devotion to God Most High. The purpose of the world is the acquisition of the provisions for Hereafter-for the world does not remain with a person and death comes unexpectedly-so that one may achieve Paradise and the pleasure of God Most High. One begins to describe heaven and hell and the spiritual reward or punishment for deeds to him. If he has been reared with good training from the beginning, these words will be as though engraved upon stone (for him). If he has been left on his own, (these words) will fall to the ground like dust from a wall.

Sahl Tustari, may God have mercy upon him, says: "I was three years old when I used to watch my maternal uncle, Muhammad (bin) Suwar, when he performed the evening obligatory formal prayer. One time he said to me: 'Do you not remember that God who created you at all, lad?' I said: 'How do I do that?' He said: 'When you get into your bedding at night, say three times-in your heart, not aloud-"God Most High is with me. God Most High is watching me. God Most High sees me.'" I said: 'I have been saying that for a number of nights.' Then he said: 'Say it seven times every night.' I did that; then he said: 'Say it fifteen times every night.' I did that and then the sweetness of that fell into my heart. After a year, he said to me: 'Remember what I have told you all your life, until that time when they place you in your grave. It will hold your hand in this world and the next.' I continued to repeat (his words) for a number of years until their sweetness appeared in my conscience. Then one day, my uncle said to me: 'Whomever God is with and whomever He observes and whomever He sees does not sin. Take care that you do not sin, for He sees you.'

"Then I was sent to a school. I was upset. I said: 'Do not send (there) for more than an hour every day.' That was until I had learned the Qur’an; I was seven years old. When I was ten, I continually fasted and ate barley bread until I was twelve. In my thirteenth year, a question entered my mind. I said: 'Send me to Basrah so that I may ask the religious scholars of Basrah.' I was sent there. I asked all of the religious scholars, but they could not resolve it. I went to Abbadan where a man had been suggested to me. He resolved my problem. I stayed with him for a while, then I came to Tustar and I bought some barley with a silver dirham, breaking my fast with barley bread without any stew or sauce. I made do with that silver dirham for a year. Then I decided to go three days and nights without eating anything in order to inure myself to that. Then I did it for a five-day period, then seven days, until I was able to fast for twenty-five days and nights without eating anything. I endured this for twenty years and remained awake at night (in prayer and supplication)."

This story has been related to that is may become plain that the seed for every great deed is sown in childhood.