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My husband prefers his friends to me

Prof. `A`ishah Al Hakamy

Published On: 5/8/2015 A.D. - 19/10/1436 H. Visited: 10024 times

Question

As-Salamu `Alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh (May Allah's Peace, Mercy, and Blessings be upon you!)

I have been married 5 years ago, and I have a four-years-old child. I live with my husband abroad for study, and our age is similar and our specialty is the same.

I love my husband very much and trust him, for he is a kind-hearted man, but I feel he is not mature because of his behavior with me and his attitude with his friends.

For example, he does not stay at home, and I only sit with him two hours a day, for he spends all his time outside the house as being very social but he escapes responsibility and inclines to bachelorship.

When I asked him: Why do you come late? He said: As usual, I was with my friend, claiming that he does not do anything that incurs the wrath of Allah.

Our sexual relationship is bad where weeks pass without feeling that he wants me. He likes to practice his manhood over me by preventing me from shopping for trivial matters because I criticize his repeated mistakes.

My husband is miser to the extent that if I want to buy something with my money, he refuses saying: We live abroad and need money. He is perfect with people but not with me and does not play his role as a father to my daughter.

He does not pay attention to my feelings and my sickness, and when he takes me to the hospital, he only performs his social role. I do not feel his love and he does not tell me the words of love.

I am so nervous and do not care much for myself, and if I care for myself, I do not feel much difference.

Sometimes, he comes home while I am asleep after he finishes his evening, but I refuse him as he enjoys his night, watches TV and the Internet...etc., and I am the last in his list of interest, not to mention his continuous lying.

My father and his mediated to solve our problems, particularly his delay at night, with no use.

Tell me what should I do and how to deal with him?

Answer

In the name of Allah who guides His Servants to what is right, and He is the Only implored for help.

Perhaps the last line of your message explains the reasons of your problem which is the wide gap between you and your husband.

Your adornment should be an integral part of your way of life for yourself not for sexual relationship, and whether your husband paid attention to your adornment or not, it should not affect your adornment and caring for yourself because it is the nature of females. "(Do they then like for Allah) a creature who is brought up in adornments (wearing silk and gold ornaments, i.e. women)." [Surat Az-Zukhruf: 18] not because you are a married woman.

As you have accustomed your husband to see you in that bad condition, he no longer sees the image which attracts his attention. Moreover, your linkage between adornment and sexual intercourse has a negative image in the mind of your husband, so you should pay attention to yourself as a female. And remember that your husband sees beautiful pictures of women in streets or in TV and he should see that beautiful image at home, and you should not refuse to have sexual intercourse with him.

On the other hand, man needs to spend some times with his friends as you need and there is no problem in friendship and friends but in giving more time to friends than the wife. Therefore, you should ask yourself a question: What is the thing your husband finds at his friends and does not find at home?

In other words: What are the things which your husband needs and cannot find at home?

Check the role of "a mistress" which a wife should play for her husband in order to be the best friend, and check the needs of her husband, perhaps your husband lacks these things due to your character or your method or your frequent requests in the course of the pressure of study and alienation.

Add to the mentioned, you should correct your negative image about the female inside you and the image of your husband that he is neglectful, cheating on you, miser, or cruel and replace them with other positive images such as: The loving husband, the loyal, the generous, and the kind then treat with yourself and your husband according to this new image. Do not get despair of reforming your husband, asking Allah to reform your conditions and bring back intimacy and kindness between you and your husband, Amen!

Allah (Glory be to Him) is the Most Knowledgeable with what is right.

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