Relationship with the Parents

Having a good relationship with our parents is very important for us. However, relationships with parents can be quite difficult and complex. There is scope for lots of misunderstandings and conflicts. These basically stem from lack of communication in most instances. However, in other instances, communication itself can be the source of conflicts.

Whatever the case may be never be disrespectful to your parents. Do not say a harsh word to them. Even if parents are unjust, it is not lawful for children to ill-treat, disobey or displease them. Obey them in all lawful things. If they instruct you to do anything which is unlawful in the Sharee'ah, then politely and with respect and apology decline. Never refuse rudely nor argue with them.

When parents abuse, scold or even beat their children, they should submit to such treatment with humility. Never should they utter a word of disrespect or complaint, nor should they display on their faces any indication of disgust or anger. Bear their treatment in silence and with patience. Make du'aa for them.

“The Lord has ordained that ye worship none but Him; and to show kindness to your parents.”[1]

If you are living with them, take their permission before going anywhere. Inform them of your whereabouts.

If at any time you were disrespectful to your parents, regret your action and hasten to obtain their pardon. Scholars have said that being grateful to Allah is to be grateful for the Iman that He has blessed us with. And to be thankful to our parents is to be grateful for the hard work they went through to raise us.

In their life and after death, make du'aa of forgiveness for them. Pray for their forgiveness and within your means, practice virtuous deeds with the intention of the reward thereof being bestowed on them by Allah.

“…O My Lord! Bestow your Mercy on them, even as they reared me when I was young.”[2]

Call them often if they live far away or visit them if they live close by

It is related by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn Al-Aas radiallahu anhu that the Messenger of Allah Sallallahu alaihe wasallam said: “In the good pleasure of the father lies the good pleasure of Allah, and in his displeasure, the displeasure of Allah.”[3]

Take care of their needs

Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-Aas radiallahu anhu narrated that a person (once) came to the Prophet Sallallahu alaihe wasallam and said that he wanted to participate in Jihad. “Are your parents alive?” enquired the Prophet Sallallahu alaihe wasallam, “Yes”, he replied. “They are alive.” The Prophet Sallallahu alaihe wasallam observed: “Then strive in their service and bring aid and succor to them. (This is your Jihad).”[4]

Be gentle with them

Jabir radiallahu anhu related to us that the Messenger of Allah Sallallahu alaihe wasallam said: “Allah prolongs the life of a person who obeys his parents and serves them devotedly.”[5]

It is related by Abdullah ibn Umar radiallahu anhu that the Messenger of Allah Sallallahu alaihe wasallam said: “Obey your parents and treat them with kindness, your children will be kind and obedient to you; and live with purity, your wives will stay pure.”[6]

Be patient over things which you may dislike

Anas radiallahu anhu related to us that (once) the Prophet Sallallahu alaihe wasallam was asked about the major sins. He replied: “To associate anyone with Allah; to disobey the parents and cause them pain or injury; to kill unlawfully; and to give false evidence.”[7]

Your parents have rights over you and those are:

1. Love and respect, as much as possible, because they are the most deserving of people your good companionship.

2. Taking care of them and looking after their affairs if they need that; this is a debt that rests on the child’s shoulders.

3. Not offending them or saying or doing anything that they dislike. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “say not to them a word of disrespect.”[8]

4. Spending on them if they are in need.

5. Obeying them when they tell you to do something good. But if they tell you to do something bad, such as shirk, then there should be no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience to the Creator. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly” [9]