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Shall I marry him while I am in love with someone else?

Prof. Amal Al `Anzy

Published On: 4/3/2015 A.D. - 13/5/1436 H. Visited: 7042 times

Question

As-Salamu `Alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh (May Allah's Peace, Mercy, and Blessings be upon you!)

I am a girl who has been betrothed one and half years ago to a person whom I know his mother and sister. They are close to me, so the mother asked for my hands to her son. I was very happy and acceded after the consent of my family because I thought that the son will be like his mother.

After our first encounter, I agreed but I discovered that he was unpleasant, did not care for my talking as if I have no heart, mocks at me a lot, and considers the view of his sister in everything without paying attention to my opinion.

I thought a lot in breaking up with him but my mother refused and said to me: If you break up with him, I shall blame you.

During my betrothal, I got to know another person whom I loved very much and he loved me a lot. I could not hide the truth and told him that I am engaged to a person whom I do not love, so he walked away from me because he does not want to wrong my fiancé.

I have lived a very bad betrothal in which I did not taste joy. I invoked Allah a lot for guiding me and implored Him to facilitate my affairs and remove my distress but I always feel unhappy and feel tightness in my chest when I hear his name or when he speaks to him; I deem he is not the right person for me.

I searched a lot for anything that makes me comfortable but I did not although he does not smoke, he offers Salah, and a college graduate.

Now, I want to break up with him and I tried to convince my mother but she refused and commanded me with observing patience so that I may love him. I told her that I do not love him and his family is good, but the problem is not in them. The problem is in him because I should have some feelings to marry him, but unfortunately, I do not bear any feelings toward him.

I thought a lot how will be my condition with him if I marry him while in love with someone else or during my betrothal.

So, what is the solution? May Allah reward you the best.

Answer

My dear, I thank you for your trust in Alukah Network, and I hope you can find help in solving your problem.

I would like to clarify some matters for you:

First, in the beginning you agreed to the betrothal by your free will and desire without thinking or knowing the character of the fiancé just for your knowledge of his mother and sister.

Second, after the betrothal, you get to know him but you did not like him although the causes you mentioned are not justifications for your refusal. Just because he likes joking with you, you describe him with unpleasant. Perhaps your character is serious, so you do not accept his way of joking; so what if he is gloomy and frowning?!

Third, the refusal of your mother to the breaking up is justified because your mother see what you cannot see and appreciate matters more than you do. The more a person grows up, the more he needs the counsel and advice of those who are bigger and more experienced in life.

Fourth, your feelings toward that new person may be the real reason for your desire to break up your betrothal, but you should know that not everything we desire is the best for us for it may be on the contrary. Allah (may He be Exalted) says: "And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allâh knows but you do not know." [Surat Al Baqarah: 216].

This goodness is interpreted in Allah's Saying in Surat An-Nisa' -in the course of separating from women- "If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allâh brings through it a great deal of good." [Surat An-Nisa': 19].

Fifth, you still young and your experience in life is little, so you have to weigh things by reason not passion. Look at the advantages of you fiancé which you mentioned such as he does not smoke, he offers Salah, and a college graduate. You shall find many other advantages if you try to look at good things in him; compare these advantages with the defects you mentioned and decide whether they are considered real defects or not?

Think well, look at the matter from all aspects, give yourself the chance to see the bright part in him, speak with him and try to understand his character, and bear in mind that you cannot find a person without defects.

I ask Allah to guide you for things that will reform your matters, and to guide you to things that please Him.

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