The Muslim Woman and Her Parents (2)

She is kind and respectful towards her parents even if they are not Muslim

The Prophet (Peace be upon him) raised his teachings to a new peak when he enjoined his followers to treat their parents with kindness and respect even if they were adherents of a religion other than Islam.

This is clear from the Hadith of Asma' bint Abi Bakr al-Siddiq (Peace be upon him), who said:

"My mother came to me, and she was a mushrik at the time of the Prophet (Peace be upon him). I asked the Prophet (Peace be upon him), `My mother has come to me and needs my help, so should I help her?' He said, `yes, keep in touch with your mother and help her.'"[1]

The true Muslim who understands the meaning of this Qur'anic guidance and the teachings of the Prophet (Peace be upon him) cannot but be the best and kindest of all people towards his parents, at all times. This is the practice of the Sahabah and those who followed them sincerely.

A man asked Sa’id ibn Musayyab (may Allah be pleased with him): "I understood all of the ayah about kindness and respect towards parents, apart from the phrase `but address them in terms of honour.' How can I address them in terms of honour?" Sa’id replied: "It means that you should address them as a servant addresses his master."

Ibn Sirin (may Allah be pleased with him) used to speak to his mother in a soft voice, like that of a sick person, out of respect for her.

She is extremely reluctant to disobey them

Just as the Muslim woman hastens to treat her parents with kindness and respect, she is also afraid to commit the sin of disobeying them, because she realises the enormity of this sin which is counted as one of the major sins (al-kaba'ir).

She is aware of the frightening picture which Islam paints of the one who disobeys her parents, and this stirs her conscience and softens any hardness of heart or harsh feelings that she might be harbouring.

Islam draws a comparison between disobedience towards one's parents and the crime of associating partners with Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He), just as it establishes a link between true faith in Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) and respectful treatment of parents. Disobedience to one's parents is a heinous crime, which the true Muslim woman is loath to commit, for it is the greatest of major sins and the worst of errors.

Abu Bakrah Nufay` ibn al-Harith said:

"The Messenger of Allah (Peace be upon him) asked us three times, `Shall I tell you the greatest sins?' We said, `Yes, O Messenger of Allah.' He said, `Associating partners with Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) and disobeying one's parents.'"[2]

Her mother comes first, then her father

Islam has encouraged respect and kindness towards parents. Some texts deal with the mother and father separately, but taken all together, the texts enjoin a healthy balance in children's attention to their parents, so that respect to one parent will not be at the expense of the other.

Some texts further confirm that the mother should be given precedence over the father.

So, as we have seen, when a man came to give bay`ah and pledge to take part in jihad, the Prophet (Peace be upon him) asked him, "Are either of your parents alive?" This indicates that the Muslim is obliged to treat both parents equally well. Similarly, Asma' was ordered to keep in contact with her mushrik mother.

A man came to the Prophet (Peace be upon him) and asked him, "O Messenger of Allah, who among people is most deserving of my good company?" He said, "Your mother." The man asked, "Then who?" The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said, "Your mother." The man asked, "Then who?" The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said, "Your mother." The man asked, "Then who?" The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said, "Then your father."[3]

This Hadith confirms that the Prophet (Peace be upon him) gave precedence to kind treatment of one's mother over kind treatment of one's father, and the Sahabah used to remind the Muslims of this after the death of the Prophet (Peace be upon him).

Ibn `Abbas, a great scholar and faqih of this ummah, considered kind treatment of one's mother to be the best deed to bring one closer to Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He).

A man came to him and said, "I asked for a woman's hand in marriage, and she refuse me. Someone else asked for her hand and she accepted and married him. I felt jealous, so I killed her. Will my repentance be accepted?" Ibn `Abbas asked, "Is your mother still alive?" He said, "No." So he told him, "Repent to Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) and do your best to draw close to Him." `Ata' ibn Yassar, who narrated this report from Ibn `Abbas, said: "I went and asked Ibn Abbas, `Why did you ask him if his mother was still alive?' He said, `Because I know of no other deed that brings people closer to Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) than kind treatment and respect towards one's mother.'"[4]

Imam Bukhari opens his book al-Adab al-Mufrad with a chapter on respect and kindness towards parents (birr al-walidayn), in which he places the section on good treatment of the mother before that on good treatment of the father, consistent with the teachings of the Prophet (Peace be upon him).

The Qur'an evokes feelings of love and respect in the heart of the child, and encourages him or her to treat parents well. It refers to the mother being given precedence because of pregnancy and breast-feeding, and the pains and trials that she suffers during these two stages, in a most gentle and compassionate way. It recognizes her noble sacrifice and great tenderness and care:

“And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: [hear the command]: `Show gratitude to Me and to your parents: to Me is [your final] Goal.' ” (Qur'an Surah Luqman: 14)

What supreme teaching! What humane, compassionate direction: "Show gratitude to Me and to your parents." Showing gratitude to parents for what they have done for their child comes second only to showing gratitude to Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He), and is one of the best righteous deeds. What a high status this religion gives to parents!

Ibn `Umar saw a Yemeni man circumambulating the Ka`bah, carrying his mother. The man said to him, "I am like a tame camel for her: I have carried her more than she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn `Umar?" He replied, "No, not even one contraction!"[5]

Every time `Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) saw the reinforcements from Yemen, he asked them, "Is Uways ibn `Amir among you?" - Until he found Uways. He asked him, "Are you Uways ibn `Amir?" Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked, "Are you from the clan of Murad in the tribe of Qaran?" Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked, "Did you have leprosy, then you were cured of it except for an area the size of a dirham? Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked, "Do you have a mother?" Uways said, "Yes." `Umar said: "I heard the Messenger of Allah (Peace be upon him) say:

“There will come to you with the reinforcements from Yemen a man called Uways ibn `Amir of the clan of Murad from the tribe of Qaran. He had leprosy but has been cured of it except for a spot the size of a dirham. He has a mother, and he has always treated her with kindness and respect. If he prays to Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He), Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) will fulfil his wish. If you can ask him to pray for forgiveness for you, then do so.' So ask Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) to forgive me." Uways asked Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) to forgive him, then `Umar asked him, "Where are you going?" Uways said, "To Kufah." `Umar said, "Shall I write a letter of recommendation for you to the governor there?" Uways said, "I prefer to be anonymous among the people." ”[6]

What a high status Uways reached by virtue of his kindness and respect towards his mother, so that the Prophet (Peace be upon him) recommended his Sahabah to seek him out and ask him to prefer them!  All of this indicates the high status to which Islam has raised the position of motherhood, and given the mother precedence over the father. At the same time, Islam has given importance to both parents, and has enjoined kindness and respect to both.

A woman may enjoy a life of ease and luxury in her husband's home, and may be kept so busy with her husband and growing children that she has little time to spare for her parents, and neglects to check on them and treat them well.

But the true Muslim woman is safe from such errors, as she reads the recommendations of the Qur'an and Sunnah concerning parents. So she pays attention to them, constantly checking on them and hastening to treat them well, as much as her energy, time and circumstances permit, and as much as she can.

She treats them kindly

The Muslim woman who has embraced the values of Islam is kind and respectful towards her parents, treating them well and choosing the best ways to speak to them and deal with them. She speaks to them with all politeness and respect, and surrounds them with all honour and care, lowering to them the wing of humility, as commanded by Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) in the Qur'an. She never utters a word of contempt or complaint to them, no matter what the circumstances, always heeding the words of Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He):

“Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one of both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: `My Lord! Bestow on them Your mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.' ” (Qur'an Surah Al-Isra’:23-24)

If one or both parents are deviating from true Islam in some way, the dutiful Muslim daughter should, in this case, approach them in a gentle and sensitive manner, so as to dissuade them from their error.

She should not condemn them harshly, but should try to convince them with solid proof, sound logic, wise words and patience, until they turn to the truth in which she believes.

The Muslim woman is required to treat her parents well, even if they are mushrikin. She does not forget that she is obliged to treat them well in spite of their shirk. Although she knows that shirk is the worst of major sins, this does not prevent her from treating her parents well according to the uniquely tolerant shari`ah of Islam:

“And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: [hear the command], `Show gratitude to Me and to your parents: to Me is [your final] Goal.' But if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice [and consideration], and follow the way of those who turn to Me [in love]: in the End the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell you the truth [and meaning] of all that you did.” (Qur'an Surah Luqman: 14-15)

Kindness and respect towards parents is an important matter in Islam, because it springs from the strongest of human ties, the bond of a child to his or her mother and father. But this bond, great as it is, must come second to the bonds of faith.

If the parents are mushrikin, and order their son or daughter to join them in their shirk, then the child must not obey them. There is no obedience to a created being in disobeying the Creator; no other bond may supersede that of faith and belief in Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He). However, children are still obliged to honour and take care of their parents.

The Muslim woman is kind and respectful towards her parents in all circumstances, and she spares no effort to make them happy, as much as she can and within the limits of Islam.

So she checks on them from time to time, offers her services, visits them often and greets them with a cheerful smile, a loving heart, delightful gifts and words of kindness.

This is how she cares for them during their lives. After their death, she shows her love and respect by praying for them, giving charity on their behalf, and paying off whatever debts they may owe to Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) or to other people.

Treating parents with kindness and respect is one of the essential attitudes of Muslim men and women. This noble attitude should be ongoing and should continue, no matter how complicated life becomes, no matter how high the cost of living rises, and no matter how many burdens or responsibilities a person has.

This attitude is an indication of the rich emotions that still exist in Muslim lands, al-hamdu-lillah, and it is proof of the gratitude which Muslim men and women feel towards the older generation which has made so many sacrifices for them when they themselves were most in need of kind words, consolation and a helping hand.

This attitude will protect a person, man or woman, from hard-heartedness and ingratitude. What is more, it will open to them the gates of Paradise.