Islamic Parenting

“Imagine you going back home from work or the masjid, and your kids run to you and kiss you”, said Brother Bilal Abdul Malik, beginning his talk, on ‘Islamic Parenting VS. What Everyone Else is Doing.’ Then he goes on to quote the Qur’an:

“The Fire will burn their faces, and therein they will grin, with displaced (disfigured) lips” (Surah Al-Mu'minun, 23: 104).

At first, we don’t see the connection, but as he proceeds to explain, it dawns on us that the verse, which has a chilling note to it, is what the result would be if we do not raise our children ‘Islamically’.

It is not always easy to practice Islam in this day and age. Let us take smoking, for example; the amount of stress a parent undergoes in order to raise his children in this time is truly inexplicable. And in order to counter this stress, he starts smoking. Though his intention, which is to ensure a secure future for his children, is good, the habit that he chooses to adopt in the process is haraam (or makrooh, according to another opinion). Allah Says in the Qur’an (interpretation):

“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded” (Surah At-Tahrim, 66: 6).

`Ali bin Abi Talhah reported from Ibn `Abbas: "Work in the obedience of Allah, avoid disobedience of Allah and order your families to remember Allah, then Allah will save you from the Fire." Mujahid also commented saying: "Have Taqwa of Allah and order your family to have Taqwa of Him.''

What are the desirable factors for Islamic parenting, you may ask. First and foremost, a suitable spouse; be it a husband or a wife, one must search for the pious. Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (Peace be upon him) as saying:

“A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion. So try to get one who is religious…” (Reported by Sahih Muslim, Book #008, Hadith #3457).

Second, a suitable home with the appropriate environment; this includes the parents having a good relationship between them. Whenever conflicts arise, they must deal with them in a mature way, as yelling and arguing will only lead to defective child rearing.

The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said, “Shall I not tell you about your wives in Paradise?” We said, “Of course, O Messenger of Allah (Peace be upon him).” He said, “They are fertile and loving. If she becomes angry or is mistreated, or her husband becomes angry, she says, ‘My hand is in your hand; I shall never sleep until you are pleased with me.’”

Glory Be to Allah! These are the women who break the circle of contempt by surrendering to their husbands. A wise mother advised her daughter before marriage, “O my daughter, you are leaving your house in which you grew up, and going to live with a man whom you do not know, a companion whom you are unfamiliar with. Be like a slave woman to him and he will be like a slave to you...”

Thus, it is seen that parenting is more effective when both the parents get along  well with each other.

Parents should instill the love of Allah right from babyhood. Toddlers can be taught supplications in a fun manner. Long prayers can be sung as a song, so as to etch the prayers in their memory. Teaching them in a stern or in as-a-matter of fact way will yield no significance in them. Instilling in them the awe of Allah, too, is an important aspect. Allah Says in the Qur’an (interpretation):

“So do not have awe of them, but have awe of Me” (Surah Al-Ma'idah, 5:3).

Children love to imitate their parents in everything, be it dressing up as dad, or cooking like mom. They look up at them as their role model. Only when we prove as a good example, can they become good and successful adults. Hence, by us remembering Allah frequently, praying regularly in congregation, visiting the sick, giving Zakat (alms), and so on, we instill in them to be a good Muslim.

The adolescence period is of grave importance, as it is then peer pressure arises, and their influence holds on to them easily. It is then rebellion kicks in and they are averted by discipline. Today, a parent is punished by law if he hits his child. Child care services are at your doorstep once they are aware of as such.

The Prophet (Peace be upon him) has said, “Command your children to pray when they reach the age of seven and hit them if they leave it off when they reach the age of ten and separate them from each other in the beds.” The Prophet (Peace be upon him) is a mercy to all mankind. What good will it bring us by listening to a layman rather than our Prophet (Peace be upon him), the Messenger of Allah. So yes, hitting is permissible in Islam, but only as a last resort.

The teenager of this day would listen to music and be involved in haram activities. If we are unable to change their heart by explaining, ordering, or even by being harsh, our only hope is to pray to Allah and continue our efforts. Among those efforts, can be playing the Qur’an, anasheed (Islamic songs), or even dhikr in cassettes, CDs, or T.V.

One of the proofs of Islamic parenting is, when we are in the wrong, our children correct us by encouraging and supporting us to do the right.

May Allah make us be better parents, and may He Guide us to raise them in His Cause. Aameen!