Preventing and Correcting Children Misbehavior According to the Prophetic Education

The famous proverb “prevention is better than cure” is in fact true in the field of parenting as well because misbehavior can be prevented by teaching a positive alternative .

 

A lot of misbehavior can be prevented if we teach a child the appropriate behavior before it is needed. For example, before the children reach the age of understanding issues, or they are old enough to understand good and bad, they should be ordered to pray so that they may learn the prayer. However, at this age, they need not be forced or physically disciplined. Once they reach the age of ten, however, they should be made to pray all five prayers.[1]

 

We could find Prophetic educations /Hadiths that work as a teaching for every specifics situation. Once we are very familiar with the teaching process described in Hadiths, we could try it out with a family member .

 

When the misbehavior is not anticipated in advance, then we can use the misbehavior as a teaching moment as we correct it with a positive behavior that meets the need .

 

1.    Stop the Misbehaviors

قَالَ عَلِيٌّ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ: زَارَنَا رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَبَاتَ عِنْدَنَا وَالْحَسَنُ وَالْحُسَيْنُ نَائِمَانِ فَاسْتَسْقَى الْحَسَنُ فَقَامَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ إِلَى قِرْبَةٍ لَنَا فَجَعَلَ يَعْصِرُهَا فِي الْقَدَحِ ثُمَّ يَسْقِيهِ فَتَنَاوَلَهُ الْحُسَيْنُ لِيَشْرَبَ فَمَنَعَهُ وَبَدَأَ بِالْحَسَنِ فَقَالَتْ فَاطِمَةُ: يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ كَأَنَّهُ أَحَبُّهُمَا إِلَيْكَ فَقَالَ: «لَا وَلَكِنَّهُ اسْتَسْقَى أَوَّلَ مَرَّةٍ»، ...»

According to 'Ali; " The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W) visited us and stayed the night over at our place; al-Hasan and al-Husayn where sleeping, then al-Hasan asked for a drink and the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)took up a waterskin of ours and started squeezing it into a cup and handed it to al-Hasan; then al-Husayn reached for it to drink; the Messenger prevented him and started with al-Hasan; Fatima (S.A.W) then said: " O Messenger of Allah, as if you love him more than the other!" He said: “He asked to drink first …”^[2]

2.    Explain Why the Behaviour Is Not Okay (Why You Stopped the Behaviour)

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ، قَالَ: كَانَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يُؤْتَى بِالتَّمْرِ عِنْدَ صِرَامِ النَّخْلِ، فَيَجِيءُ هَذَا بِتَمْرِهِ، وَهَذَا مِنْ تَمْرِهِ حَتَّى يَصِيرَ عِنْدَهُ كَوْمًا مِنْ تَمْرٍ، فَجَعَلَ الحَسَنُ وَالحُسَيْنُ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُمَا يَلْعَبَانِ بِذَلِكَ التَّمْرِ، فَأَخَذَ أَحَدُهُمَا تَمْرَةً، فَجَعَلَهَا فِي فِيهِ، فَنَظَرَ إِلَيْهِ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فَأَخْرَجَهَا مِنْ فِيهِ، فَقَالَ: «أَمَا عَلِمْتَ أَنَّ آلَ مُحَمَّدٍ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ لاَ يَأْكُلُونَ الصَّدَقَةَ»

Narrated Abu Hurairah: Dates used to be brought to Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) immediately after being plucked. Different persons would bring their dates till a big heap was collected (in front of the Prophet). Once, Al-Hasan and AI-Husainwere playing with these dates. One of them took a date and put it in his mouth. Allah's Messenger looked at him and took it out from his mouth and said, "Don't you know that Muhammad's offspring do not eat what is given in charity? "[3]

 

According to this Hadith when a child makes a mistake, he should be told why his act is considered wrong because this makes discipline more acceptable and more reasonable.

Sometimes physical discipline is required for more efficient result, as long as it is used properly and aimed to correct the child and teach him/her a lesson, but not to harm the child.

 

عَنْ زَيْنَبَ بِنْتِ أُمِّ سَلَمَةَ، قَالَتْ: دَخَلْتُ عَلَى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَهُوَ يَغْتَسِلُ، فَأَخَذَ حَفْنَةً مِنْ مَاءٍ، فَضَرَبَ بِهَا وَجْهِي، وَقَالَ: «وَرَاءَكِ أَيْ لُكَاعِ»

Al-Tabaraani reported from Zaynab bint Umm Salamah that she entered upon the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) whilst he was performing Ghusl (bathing). She said, “He took a handful of water and threw it in my face, saying, ‘Go away, foolish girl!’”[4]

 

From this it is clear that a child’s tender years do not mean that his mistakes should not be corrected; indeed, correcting his mistakes is giving him the best upbringing, as it will be imprinted in his memory and will benefit him in the future. The first Hadith shows how a child is taught to fear Allah and restrain himself, and the second Hadith shows how he is taught good manners, how to seek permission to enter, and to refrain from looking at the ‘Awrah (that which should be covered) of others.[5]

 

عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ، قَالَ: بِتُّ لَيْلَةً عِنْدَ خَالَتِي مَيْمُونَةَ بِنْتِ الْحَارِثِ، فَقُلْتُ لَهَا: إِذَا قَامَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَأَيْقِظِينِي، " فَقَامَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فَقُمْتُ إِلَى جَنْبِهِ الْأَيْسَرِ، فَأَخَذَ بِيَدِي فَجَعَلَنِي مِنْ شِقِّهِ الْأَيْمَنِ، فَجَعَلْتُ إِذَا أَغْفَيْتُ يَأْخُذُ بِشَحْمَةِ أُذُنِي، ... "

It was narrated that Ibn 'Abbâs said: "I stayed one night with my maternal aunt Maimünah bint Al-Hârith, and I said to her: 'When the Messenger of Allah gets up, wake me up.' The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) got up and I stood on his left side. He took me by the hand and made me stand on his right side. If I dozed off, he would take hold of (rubbed) my earlobe. ..[6]

 

 

When you redirect your child to another activity, be sure to explain with words and link them with the religion teaching and told them how this behaviour specifically pleased or displeased Allah almighty in the first place not just you as a parent or a caregiver.

 

قَالَ الوَلِيدُ بْنُ كَثِيرٍ: أَخْبَرَنِي أَنَّهُ سَمِعَ وَهْبَ بْنَ كَيْسَانَ، أَنَّهُ سَمِعَ عُمَرَ بْنَ أَبِي سَلَمَةَ، يَقُولُ: كُنْتُ غُلاَمًا فِي حَجْرِ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، وَكَانَتْ يَدِي تَطِيشُ فِي الصَّحْفَةِ، فَقَالَ لِي رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «يَا غُلاَمُ، سَمِّ اللَّهَ، وَكُلْ بِيَمِينِكَ، وَكُلْ مِمَّا يَلِيكَ» فَمَا زَالَتْ تِلْكَ طِعْمَتِي بَعْدُ

Narrated 'Umar Ibn Abi Salamah[7]: I was a boy under the care of Allah's Messenger and my hand used to go around the dish while eating. So Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said to me, 'O boy! Mention the Name of Allah and eat with your right hand, and eat of the dish what is nearer to you."^[8] Since then I have applied those instructions while eating.[9]

Commentary: This Hadiths bring the following points into focus:

1.    Teaching good manners and morals to the children.
2.    One must start his meals with Bismillah (Begin with the Name of Allah) and take his share of food from the side of vessel in front of him, if all are eating from one vessel. If there are many varieties of fruit on the table then one can choose freely.
3.     If a child makes any mistake, he should be corrected right away because that proves more effective and is engraved in his mind and heart.[10] This is clear from the saying of ('Umar Ibn Abi Salamah) “Ever since, I observed this etiquette” also immediate correction before the child mistake become a habit which is difficult to get rid of, in another incident:

عَنْ عِكْرِمَةَ بْنِ عَمَّارٍ، حَدَّثَنِي إِيَاسُ بْنُ سَلَمَةَ بْنِ الْأَكْوَعِ، أَنَّ أَبَاهُ، حَدَّثَهُ أَنَّ رَجُلًا أَكَلَ عِنْدَ رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ بِشِمَالِهِ، فَقَالَ: «كُلْ بِيَمِينِكَ»، قَالَ: لَا أَسْتَطِيعُ، قَالَ: «لَا اسْتَطَعْتَ»، مَا مَنَعَهُ إِلَّا الْكِبْرُ، قَالَ: فَمَا رَفَعَهَا إِلَى فِيهِ

A man ate with his left hand in the presence of the Messenger of Allah. He said: "Eat with your right hand." He said: "I cannot." He said: "May you never be able to," for nothing was preventing him from doing so but arrogance. And he never raised it to his mouth again. [11]

 

Another Hadith shows how the teaching of good manners and morals to the children remain still and benefit the child for good.

 

عَنْ ثَابِتٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ، قَالَ: خَدَمْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يَوْمًا، حَتَّى إِذَا رَأَيْتُ أَنِّي قَدْ فَرَغْتُ مِنْ خِدْمَتِهِ، قُلْتُ: يَقِيلُ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فَخَرَجْتُ إِلَى صِبْيَانٍ يَلْعَبُونَ قَالَ: فَجِئْتُ أَنْظُرُ إِلَى لَعِبِهِمْ، قَالَ: «فَجَاءَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَسَلَّمَ عَلَى الصِّبْيَانِ وَهُمْ يَلْعَبُونَ، فَدَعَانِي رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فَبَعَثَنِي إِلَى حَاجَةٍ لَهُ، فَذَهَبْتُ فِيهَا، وَجَلَسَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فِي فَيْءٍ حَتَّى أَتَيْتُهُ»، وَاحْتَبَسْتُ عَلى أُمِّي عَنِ الْإِبَانِ الَّذِي كُنْتُ آتِيهَا فِيهِ، فَلَمَّا أَتَيْتُهَا، قَالَتْ: مَا حَبَسَكَ؟ قُلْتُ: بَعَثَنِي رَسُولُ اللَّهِ فِي حَاجَةٍ لَهُ، قَالَتْ: وَمَا هِيَ؟ قُلْتُ: هُوَ سِرٌّ لِرَسُولِ اللَّهِ قَالَتْ: فَاحْفَظْ عَلَى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ سِرَّهُ، قَالَ ثَابِتٌ: قَالَ لِي أَنَسٌ: «لَوْ حَدَّثْتُ بِهِ أَحَدًا مِنَ النَّاسِ أَوْ كُنْتُ مُحَدِّثًا بِهِ لَحَدَّثْتُكَ بِهِ يَا ثَابِتُ»

Thabit narrated that Anas said, "I was serving the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, one day. When I thought I had finished serving him, I said, 'The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, is having a midday nap.' So I left him and there were some children playing. I stood looking at them and their game. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, came out, and came up to them and greeted them. Then he called me and sent me to get something he needed. He remained in the shade until I came back to him. I was late for my mother and she and he asked, 'What kept you?' I replied, The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, sent me for something he needed.' 'What was it?' she asked. I replied, 'It is a secret of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace.' She said, Keep the secret of the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace.' I did not tell anyone that secret. If I had told it, I would have told it to you Thabit.'"^[12]

 

 

1.    Correcting Mistakes with Gentleness

 

Using kindness and friendliness in correcting child mistakes doesn't make him/her feel like an enemy, because the aim is to guide them and win them over to the right path, not score points against them, in the following Hadith the Prophet (peace be upon him) was a model of tolerance, good manners and understanding of children's personality.

 

قَالَ أَنَسٌ: «كَانَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ مِنْ أَحْسَنِ النَّاسِ خُلُقًا» ، فَأَرْسَلَنِي يَوْمًا لِحَاجَةٍ، فَقُلْتُ: وَاللهِ لَا أَذْهَبُ، وَفِي نَفْسِي أَنْ أَذْهَبَ لِمَا أَمَرَنِي بِهِ نَبِيُّ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فَخَرَجْتُ حَتَّى أَمُرَّ عَلَى صِبْيَانٍ وَهُمْ يَلْعَبُونَ فِي السُّوقِ، فَإِذَا رَسُولُ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَدْ قَبَضَ بِقَفَايَ مِنْ وَرَائِي، قَالَ: فَنَظَرْتُ إِلَيْهِ وَهُوَ يَضْحَكُ، فَقَالَ: «يَا أُنَيْسُ أَذَهَبْتَ حَيْثُ أَمَرْتُكَ؟» قَالَ قُلْتُ: نَعَمْ، أَنَا أَذْهَبُ، يَا رَسُولَ اللهِ

Anas said: "The Messenger of Allah was one of the best people in manners. One day he sent me to do an errand for him, and I said: 'By Allah, I will not go.' But in my heart I intended to go and do what the Prophet of Allah had told me to do. Then I went out and passed by some boys who were playing in the marketplace. Then the Messenger of Allah caught me on the back of my neck from behind. I looked at him and he was smiling. He said: '0 Unais, did you go where I told you to go?' I said: 'Yes, I am going, 0 Messenger of Allah[13] ."

 

2.    Correcting Mistakes by Praising the Appropriate Behaviour

عَنِ ابْنِ عُمَرَ، قَالَ: كَانَ الرَّجُلُ فِي حَيَاةِ رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، إِذَا رَأَى رُؤْيَا، قَصَّهَا عَلَى رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فَتَمَنَّيْتُ أَنْ أَرَى رُؤْيَا أَقُصُّهَا عَلَى النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، قَالَ: وَكُنْتُ غُلَامًا شَابًّا عَزَبًا، وَكُنْتُ أَنَامُ فِي الْمَسْجِدِ عَلَى عَهْدِ رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فَرَأَيْتُ فِي النَّوْمِ كَأَنَّ مَلَكَيْنِ أَخَذَانِي فَذَهَبَا بِي إِلَى النَّارِ، فَإِذَا هِيَ مَطْوِيَّةٌ كَطَيِّ الْبِئْرِ، وَإِذَا لَهَا قَرْنَانِ كَقَرْنَيِ الْبِئْرِ، وَإِذَا فِيهَا نَاسٌ قَدْ عَرَفْتُهُمْ، فَجَعَلْتُ أَقُولُ: أَعُوذُ بِاللهِ مِنَ النَّارِ، أَعُوذُ بِاللهِ مِنَ النَّارِ، أَعُوذُ بِاللهِ مِنَ النَّارِ، قَالَ فَلَقِيَهُمَا مَلَكٌ فَقَالَ لِي: لَمْ تُرَعْ، فَقَصَصْتُهَا عَلَى حَفْصَةَ، فَقَصَّتْهَا حَفْصَةُ، عَلَى رَسُولِ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فَقَالَ النَّبِيُّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «نِعْمَ الرَّجُلُ عَبْدُ اللهِ لَوْ كَانَ يُصَلِّي مِنَ اللَّيْلِ» قَالَ سَالِمٌ: فَكَانَ عَبْدُ اللهِ، بَعْدَ ذَلِكَ، لَا يَنَامُ مِنَ اللَّيْلِ إِلَّا قَلِيلًا

Narrated Sãlim's father:  “In the lifetime of the Prophet whosoever saw a dream would narrate it to Allah's Messenger. I had a wish of seeing a dream to narrate it to Allah's Messenger. I was a grown up boy and used to sleep in the mosque in the lifetime of the Prophet; I saw in the dream that two angels caught hold of me and took me to the fire which was built all round like a built well and had two poles in it and the people in it were known to me. I started saying, "I seek refuge with Allah from the fire." Then I met another angel who told me not to be afraid. I narrated the dream to Hafsa who told it to Allah's Messenger. The Prophet said, "Abdulläh is a good man. I wish he offered night prayer (Tahajjud)." After that 'Abdulläh (i.e., Salim's father) used to sleep but a little at night.”[14]

 

Finally, child misbehaviour is difficult to deal with but an appropriate response from parents can discourage the child from misbehaving further. Parents should try to become their child’s friend and pay attention to them. It is the parents’ duty to make the child feel important. It is very necessary to expect good behavior from children. If you expect good behavior, they will be able to sense it and try to match up to your expectations.[15]

 

Brilliant examples of aforementioned principle of expecting good behavior from children and praising their appropriate behavior which make them feel confident and self-esteem are ['Abdulläh Ibn 'Umar and 'Abdulläh Ibn 'Abaas] who a result of such upbringing became among the greatest Muslim intellectual scholars. On one occasion 'Abdulläh Ibn 'Umar, when he was still a young boy, mentiond this,

رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: «إِنَّ مِنَ الشَّجَرِ شَجَرَةً لاَ يَسْقُطُ وَرَقُهَا، وَهِيَ مَثَلُ المُسْلِمِ، حَدِّثُونِي مَا هِيَ؟» فَوَقَعَ النَّاسُ فِي شَجَرِ البَادِيَةِ، وَوَقَعَ فِي نَفْسِي أَنَّهَا النَّخْلَةُ، قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ: فَاسْتَحْيَيْتُ، فَقَالُوا: يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، أَخْبِرْنَا بِهَا؟ فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «هِيَ النَّخْلَةُ» قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ: فَحَدَّثْتُ أَبِي بِمَا وَقَعَ فِي نَفْسِي، فَقَالَ: «لَأَنْ تَكُونَ قُلْتَهَا أَحَبُّ إِلَيَّ مِنْ أَنْ يَكُونَ لِي كَذَا وَكَذَا»

‘Allah's Messenger said, "Amongst the trees there is a tree, the leaves of which do not fall and is like a Muslim, tell me the name of that tree.’" Everybody started thinking about the trees of the desert areas and I thought of the date-palm tree but felt shy (to answer). The others asked. "O Allah's Messenger! Inform us of it." He replied, "It is the date-palm tree." I told my father what had come to my mind and on that he said, "Had you said it I would have preferred it to such and such a thing that I might possess.”[16]

 

In another incident ‘Umar used to ask 'Abdulläh Ibn 'Abbãs questions in front of the Companions of the Prophet and treat him very favourably. So 'Abdur-Rahman Ibn 'Awf said to him: 'Why do you ask him, while we have children like him?"(But you are partial to him)." 'Umar said, "It is because of his knowledge." Then Umar asked Ibn 'Abbäs about the interpretation of the Verse: "When come the Help of Allah (to you 0 Muhammad against your enemies) and the conquest (of Makkah)" (V.110:1) Ibn 'Abbäs said, "It portended the death of Allah’s Messenger, which Allah had informed him of." Umar said, "I do not know from this Verse but what you know."^[17]

 

 

The shining example and perfect model left by the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessing be upon him) for us to emulate is that we inculcate the quality of forbearance, patience, and tenderness of heart in us. We should also learn to forgive the mistakes and failings or failures of the young and lead a life of purity and virtue.[18]