A Father should Invite His Children in a Way that is Better

Some fathers are made to suffer because their children do not practice Islam, at least not completely.   Their  children  might for  instance perform  their prayers on time and the other obligatory  deeds of Islam, yet at the same time  they perpetrate  certain sins, such as watching  movies} dealing  in usury, shaving  their beards, not  always attending  prayer in congregation,  and so on.  What should a practising father’s stance be in dealing with such children?  Should he be severe with them or gentle?

I think  that  he should  invite them  and  progress  with  them  in gradual  steps, if they are committing   a number  of sins, he should  begin with  the  most serious offence,  discussing  it with  them  over and  over again  until  they  desist  from  it. What should be remembered here is that sins differ; some sins are so grave, that one should not allow his son to live with him as long as he is doing them.  Other sins, however, are less grave.  An  important   and  true  principle to remember is thus expressed:  "If it is inevitable  that  at least one of two evils must  occur,  then to  perpetrate  the one that  is less severe is justice."

An opposite  problem  is also common:  some youth  suffer from having  parents who are upon  misguidance,   who oppose  them  in many  issues because  they are following  the  truth.  My advice  to such  parents  is that  they  should  fear Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) regarding  their  own selves and  regarding  their  children.  Furthermore, they should be thankful to Allah (Glorified and Exalted be He) for having children that are upright and that are following    correct   guidance. The uprightness of children benefits a parent both in life and after death.   The   Messenger (Peace be upon him) said:

"When a person dies, his deeds are cut off except for three:   perpetual    charity, knowledge that is benefited by, or a righteous son who supplicates for him."[1]

Sometimes,   parents   might  order  their  child  to  sin;  in  such  instances,  the child  does  not  have  to  obey  them; [2] rather,   he  should   go  contrary   to  their command,   even if they become  angry. In this regard,  one is not being undutiful to his  parents  but  is instead  being  dutiful  and  good  to them,  because  had  he acquiesced  and  performed  the sin they ordered  him  to perform,  then  even more sins would  be written  against  them.  So if one refrains  from a sin that  his parents commanded him  to perform,  he is in fact being  dutiful  to them,  having  saved them  from an increase  in sin.

Therefore, a child should never obey his parents when they order him to sin. But in situations  wherein  parents  forbid their child  from performing  a good deed,  that  child  must  understand  that  certain  good  deeds  are not  compulsory, i.e., one  does  not  sin  by abstaining   from  them. In regards to such deeds, one should look at the greater benefit.  If one feels that  the greater  benefit  is in going against  his  parents,   who  ordered   him  to   not  perform   a voluntary  good  deed, then  one  may do so, but one should  humour   them,  for instance,  by performing the good  deed  in private.  But  in the  case that  one  cannot  secretly  perform  the good  deed,  then  he may perform  it openly,  but  at the  same time  he should  try to convince  his parents  that  neither  he nor they are harmed  when  he performs that deed.