Golden commandments for marital problems

All praise be to Allah, we praise Him and seek His Help and guidance. We seek His Pardon and ask for His Guidance. We seek refuge in Him from the evils of ourselves and from our evil deeds. Whom Allah guides no one can mislead him and whoever has been misled no one can guide him. I bear witness that there is no god but Allah alone who has no partner. and I bear witness that Muhammad is His Servant and Messenger. May Allah send peace and blessings upon him, his family, and all his Companions.

People say: Prevention is better than cure; and that is correct.

Accordingly, the golden advices which we give here is the output of our experience after solving too many problems during which we offered good advice to their people. Later on, they had positive impacts on the short and the long run, thanks and praise be to Allah.

The first advice: Not to waste money:

If we write here about the problems erupt between spouses because of money, we will need a separate book.

Money is a blessing as it is a punishment therefore Allah (Glory be to Him) showed us how to spend it. There is no doubt that wastefulness is one of the social diseases that threaten the marital life because luxury and lavishness is the beginning of the end.

It was reported in the book of "Adab Ad-Dunya wad-Din" (p. 299): Let it be known that extravagance and wastefulness are different. Extravagance is ignorance of rights, whereas wastefulness is ignorance of the positions of rights.

Both are dispraised, but wastefulness is much bigger because a waster makes a mistake in regard of spending too much, whereas an extravagant makes a mistake due to his ignorance.

Hence, whether wastefulness or extravagance, both are dispraised by the Shari`ah. * One of the cases of wastefulness is smoking and it is better for this money to be spent on the wife and her children. Did not the Prophet (peace be upon him)said:

"A dinar you spend in Allah's Way, a dinar (gold coin) you spent to free a slave, a dinar (gold coin) you give in charity to a needy person, and a dinar you spend to support your family; the greatest reward is for the dinar which you spend to support your family." [Reported by Muslim].

Smoking is one of the forbidden and wicked items. Allah (may He be Exalted) says: "Say (O Muhammad peace be upon him): "Not equal are Al-Khabîth (all that is evil and bad as regards things, deeds, beliefs, persons and foods) and At-Tayyib (all that is good as regards things, deeds, beliefs, persons and foods), even though the abundance of Al-Khabîth may please you." So fear Allâh, O men of understanding in order that you may be successful." [Surat Al Ma'idah: 100].

First, it is a wasting for money with no avail. Second, it is harmful to the health and the body and destructive on the long and short run because it looks like slow suicide.

Smoking causes tooth decay, xanthodontia, black teeth, inflammation of the gums, mouth and tongue sores, asthma, shortness of breath, coughing, spitting, lung poor efficiency, dyspepsia, and hepatic fibrosis, stroke, angina pectoris, and brain arteries sclerosis. Moreover, it causes nausea, chronic constipation, headaches, insomnia, kidney failure, and hearing impairment, loss of smell or weakening it, and the weakening of the immune system...etc.

A husband needs to treat all these diseases for a lot of money, which is extravagance; and the wife might be a smoker too.

No one can argue its harm on the health, social affairs, and on the religion, as it is a calamity, Sufficient is Allah for me and the best of Trustees!

What is said about extravagance in smoking is said about food, drink, and buying clothes...etc.

The second advice: Contentment:

Contentment is the best treatment for the extravagance and wastefulness that we mentioned earlier, however observing patience entails hardship and effort, and abidance by patience is a proof to the love and fearing of Allah, seeking His Pleasure, and abidance by the Shari`ah way which commands them to observe asceticism and austerity, but at the same time, it does not prohibit them to enjoy the lawful sustenance as long as it does not exceed the proper limits.

Allah (Glory be to Him) says: "But seek, with that (wealth) which Allâh has bestowed on you, the home of the Hereafter, and forget not your portion of lawful enjoyment in this world; and do good as Allâh has been good to you, and seek not mischief in the land. Verily, Allâh likes not the Mufsidûn (those who commit great crimes and sins, oppressors, tyrants, mischief-makers, corrupters)." [Surat Al Anbiya': 77].

Ibn Kathir said in his Tafseer: "i.e., use the money which you were given as a gift in obeying your lord and drawing near to him with the various kinds of righteous actions by which you gain reward in the Hereafter. "And forget not your portion of lawful enjoyment in this world." i.e., with lawful food, drink, clothes, and marriages because your Lord has rights on you, yourself has rights on you, your family have rights on you, and your spouse has a right on you, so give each one of them his due rights." See: Tafsir Ibn Kathir (6/253).

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "Truly, he has succeeded who embraces Islam, given enough sustenance, and Allah made him content of what He has given him." See: As-Silsilah As-Sahihah, Al Albany (1/129).

Regarding the facts which I heard from the people, the most important causes that lead to distress and worry is lack of contentment of the sustenance which Allah has given them and boasting in between of spending extravagantly with the purpose of dispraised competition, extravagance in appearances, and resorting to borrowing despite the fewness of financial possibilities which may lead to accumulation of debts that burden their shoulders, corrupt their morals, and push them forward to unlawful things or at least to neglect the rights of Allah.

If we ponder over the reality in regard to the dispraised spending of family members, we will be amazed by the frequent ceremonies and banquets whether in wedding ceremonies or birthday parties, which need a lot of money for just false social appearances that are not part of religion.

The third advice: Fearing Allah, the Almighty:

Both spouses are mistaken if one of them believes that he or she can deceive the other for some reasons because no secrets remain uncovered, and the outcome of this discovery causes a psychological barrier that cannot be demolished on the long run.

Hence, it is important to remind you of this advice, fearing Allah because neglecting it will lead to serious problems.

Many of the problems erupting from lack of confidence are because of the lack of fearing Allah.

Allah the Almighty says: "Allâh knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the breasts conceal." [Surat Ghafir: 19].

Ibn Kathir said in his Tafsir 96/4: As for Allah's Saying: "Allâh knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the breasts conceal." [Surat Ghafir: 19], Allah tells about His Absolute Knowledge which has encompassed everything, the great and the small, the major and the minor to warn the people of His Knowledge and feel shy of their actions. Allah the Almighty knows the fraud of the eyes even if they show something else and knows what is in the hearts.

• It was reported in the Sunnah about fearing Allah as was reported by Muslim from the Hadith of Gabriel (peace be upon him) that `Umar ibn Al Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) said: O Muhammad, tell me about Ihsan [perfection]. He said: "to worship Allah as you are seeing Him because if you cannot see Him, He can see you."

• Ibn Al Qayyim said in Madarij As-Salikin (2/65): Al Muraqabah (Observation) means the knowledge of a person that Allah always knows his secrets as well as his declared matters. So, having this knowledge makes a person pious and careful in his actions and sayings.

It was said: Whoever fears Allah in his ideas, Allah protects the movements of his organs.

Dhun-Nun said: The sign of fearing Allah is preferring what Allah was revealed, glorifying what Allah glorified, and belittling what Allah belittled.

Therefore, a husband and wife should not deceive one another because distrust will lead to the destruction of their marriage.

The Fourth advice: Do not persist on showing jealousy:

Moderate jealousy of spouses is praised in Islam according to the Prophet's saying: "Allah has a sense of Ghira, and Allah's sense of Ghira is provoked when a believer does something which Allah has prohibited." [Reported by Al Bukhari, in the book of Marriage, Hadith No 5223].

• Anas said: "While the Prophet (peace be upon him) was in the house of one of his wives, one of the mothers of the believers sent a meal in a dish. The wife at whose house the Prophet (peace be upon him) was, struck the hand of the servant, causing the dish to fall and break. The Prophet (peace be upon him) gathered the broken pieces of the dish and then started collecting on them the food which had been in the dish and said: "Your mother (my wife) felt jealous." Then he detained the servant till a (sound) dish was brought from the wife at whose house he was. He gave the sound dish to the wife whose dish had been broken and kept the broken one at the house where it had been broken." [Reported by Al Bukhari in the book of marriage, Hadith No. 5225].

Al Hafizh ibn Hajar said in his commentary on the Hadith: As for the Prophet's saying: "Your mother (my wife) felt jealous," the speech is for the attendants and it contains a reference that the actions of a jealous woman is not taken into account because in this case her mind is distracted by her anger provoked by jealousy.

• Ibn Al Qayyim (may Allah bestow mercy on his soul) said in Al Fawa'id (1/141): Jealousy has a limit which if it exceeds it, it will be a charge and ill-thinking, and if jealousy does not take place, it will be negligence. Humbleness has a limit if it exceeds, it becomes humiliation and whoever ignores it, it turns into haughtiness and pride. Glory also has a limit, if it exceeds it, it becomes pride and dispraised manner, and if it is neglected, it turns into humiliation.

The standard of all these is moderation between the two extremes because upon which the interests of the world and the Hereafter are based.

Hence, both spouses should know that moderate jealousy is praised and required because it is a proof of love. Even if it contains a rejected behavior, it will be forgiven because there is no intention of causing harm. However, it exceeds the moderate limit to doubting and accusation and perhaps spying on the other party, it will become dispraised and rejected because it disturbs the clearance of marital life.

The Fifth advice: Concealing marital secrets:

Many married men and women neglect this great advice, homes and doors were created to screen people's privacies from others.

Spouses are prevented by shyness to reveal their secrets except in their homes, so it is natural that the knowledge of relatives and friends of these privacies will lead to clash, envy, hatred, lack of confidence, and dispraised jealousy.

Accordingly, this will lead to the failure of marital relationship which is the expected result for ignoring these matters.

Perhaps one of the most important secrets and privacy that should not be disclosed, no matter how harsh is the conflict, are the secrets of the sexual relationship because the Prophet (peace be upon him) warned against that when he said: "The worst people in the sight of Allah on the Day of Recompense is a man who goes to his wife and she comes to him then one of them reveals the secret of the other." [Reported by Muslim in the book of marriage, Hadith No. 1437 and Abu Dawud in the book of proprieties, Hadith No. 4870].

An-Nawawy said in his commentary on the Hadith: The Hadith prohibits a man to disclose the secrets between him and his wife in terms of sexual relationship, its description, and its words and actions. As for just mentioning the word sexual intercourse, there is no need to mention it because it is against courtesy.

However, if there is a need to mention it by warning a person against neglecting his wife or a wife complains about the impotency of her husband, there is nothing in that as the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "Indeed, I am doing it with this woman [i.e., his wife]." The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to Abu Talha: "Did you have a sexual intercourse last night." And Allah knows the best!

Hence, it is important to beware not to disclose the secrets of the sexual intercourse in particular and marital secrets in general because it leads to gossip and defaming people which is a matter that is reprehensible by pure disposition and the purified Shari`ah.

The sixth advice: Beware of lukewarm love between the spouses:

If you ask any couple after a marriage that lasted ten years, for example, about their feeling toward each other and is it as powerful as the early period of marriage?

The answer is definitely: No.

The reason for this is coolness of love and the reasons are: Permanent business in work, in caring for the children, lack of emotional warmth inside and outside the house, ignoring happy occasions between them, neglecting of adornment and decoration.

Instead of feeling love, we find mercy and compassion encapsulate the actions of both husband and wife.

However, mercy, compassion, and security may not stand before the temptations that have increased and before mixture between sexes without deterrent from religion or shyness.

As a result of mixture, we find the decoration and indecency of women which are one of the most dangerous seditions at all that spread as fire catches straws, among other temptations.

All these temptations made husband and wife need a very powerful emotion that connects him with his mate so as not to collapse or sink while swimming against the current.

Hence, both spouses should revive the youth spirit and get back the emotional connection between them in order to continue the marital life away from temptations and concerns.

Therefore, I advise both husband and wife of two things:

The first thing is each one should prim up and beautify for the other:

The things which pleases the heart of a husband is when he returns back and finds his wife in the best form, applying nice perfume, and welcoming him with encouraging words that make him forget his troubles and daily problems.

Many of the problems arise from the negligence of the wife to this vital aspect under the pretext of "Youth has gone."

Nay, O dear loving wife, the continuation of marital life needs sacrifices and self-denial. You may imagine your poor husband whose heart is still beating and is thirsty for a kind touch from you, whereas when he returns home, he finds negligence and ignorance from you, found you wearing ugly clothes, and always busy in the kitchen, cleaning, and children's fights.

Unintentionally, he looks at his work mates or adorned women in the streets who possess his heart and he starts to make comparison between you and them.

Be sure that they shall win at the end, however if he fears Allah, lowers his gaze, does not betray you, and fears of unlawful things, this is counted for him not for you.

However, what he conceals in his heart and his thirsty to emotional needs which he cannot find with you will make him burst as a result of your ignorance.

He may get angry for trivial reasons or utter divorce with or without a need.

You are divorced if you go out, you are divorced if you go to so and so, and you are forbidden to me ... etc.

You start to doubt his behavior, Satan begins to manipulate your mind and increase the fire of doubt inside you, and begins to insinuate to you that there is another woman in his life.

Fights start: Who is she, and when and where you knew her?

Paying attention to yourself and your family will be sufficient to you to go into that loop. Indeed, your husband has a right on you, so let your house be your Paradise and the source of your happiness, be in the best form and shape before him and you shall see wonders.

Imam As-Suyuty said in his book "Al Idah fi `Ilm An-Nikah": Jurists exaggerated in advising women regarding their adornment inside their homes by caring to comb their hear, adorn it, and apply perfume before the husband to please him.

A husband also should not neglect this aspect because a wife feels happy when she sees her husband in the best shape and applying a nice odor. It was reported in the famous Hadith that the Prophet (peace be upon him) never left the comb and the mirror in travel nor none-travelling."

It is the tradition of the Arabs which the Prophet (peace be upon him) commanded us to follow i.e., general hygiene as was reported in the Hadith of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: "A time limit has been prescribed for us for clipping the moustache, cutting the nails, plucking hair under the armpits, shaving the pubes, that it should not be neglected far more than forty nights." Reported by Muslim in the chapter on purity (258) and At-Tirmidhy in the chapter of properties (2758).

A husband has to realize that his wife is just like him, and he should follow the example of Ibn `Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) when he said: I prim up for my wife as she prims up for me. Moreover, I do not demand my full rights so that she would not demand her full rights on me because Allah (Glory be to Him) says: "And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them."[Surat Al Baqarah: 228].

Ibn Al Jawzy said in Sayd Al Khatir (1/201): A wise person should fix a time to ask the wife to prim up for him, then he should stop searching for her defects to live happily, and she has to prim up for him from time to time to live happily; by this life shall be good.

When a husband follows his wife's defects, he either hates her or looks forward to replace her with another wife. In case of hating her, he needs to observe patience; and in case he wants to replace her, he need extra provision; and both are harmful. See Sayd Al Khatir of Ibn Al Jawzy, chapter on the continuation of love is by kind treatment.

The second matter is: Opening a bridge of understanding between them for understanding and consultation:

The psychological barrier that was created by the negligence of each other due to the problems of children upbringing, care, and concerns and worry that surrounds the family, and the passage of years and emotional coldness should be demolished and they have to build a bridge of understanding and harmony so as to live on a known basis, not whims or desires.

So, a husband should not neglect the rights of his wife because of a minor slip, likewise a wife should not neglect the rights of her husband because of his miserliness, harm, misunderstanding, rapid anger... etc.

Yes, both spouses should ignore any slip from the other party, and should not ask his partner to be perfect. Therefore, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another." [Reported by Muslim in the chapter on suckling, Hadith No. 1469.

An-Nawawy said in explaining the Hadith: As for the Prophet's saying: "A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another." A person should not hate his wife because if he finds a defect in her, he shall find another good quality that pleases him, such as being fierce, but she is religious, pretty, chaste, or kind.

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) also commended women to overlook the slips of their husbands and seek their pleasure. He said: "Shall I inform you of your men in Paradise? Prophets are in Paradise, the truthful are in Paradise, martyrs are in paradise, the new born are in Paradise, and men who visit their Muslim brothers for the sake of Allah (Glory be to Him). You women in Paradise are the kind, those who give birth to many children, and women whose husband get angry, but they come to them and put their hands in their husbands' hands and say: I shall not taste sleep [comfort] until you are satisfied.

It is sufficient here to mention these advices to solve the problems of marriage, and the pleasure of Allah is the final goal, as He guides to the Straight Way.