Dr. Bakkar, As-salamu `Alaykum warahmatullah (May Allah's Peace and Mercy be upon you!).
I read many of your counsels, and I thank you for your elegant style and good understanding.
My problem is: We are a religious family which finds difficulties in living in the society because the society rejects us and imposes bad customs that harm us. Music and songs infiltrate through amplifiers to our hearings and we hear them in streets and transportation to the extent that I hear my girls humming these songs, so I and my husband die of sorrow for the girls who memorize the Qur'an. It is strange that these mad songs hurt our shyness, destruct our morals, encourage the spread of vice in the society. My girls hear them from their colleagues in school as well as their teachers.
My daughters are at adolescence age and I fear for them. I have tried several methods of rearing but all of them may be wrong!
I frequently supplicate Allah for them day and night, but sadness does not leave my heart out of sorrow for them, could you kindly guide me to some scientific and practical methods to rescue them from this unjust society which forces our children to accept these customs.
May Allah accept from you and us righteous deeds. May Allah grant you success! May Allah bless all the people who are in charge of the site until it has become a lighthouse that guides the straying people.
Dear sister, As-salamu `Alaykum warahmatullah wabarakatuh (May Allah's Peace, Mercy, and Blessings be upon you!).
Thank you for your nice words and I ask Allah to grant us all success and guide us to what pleases Him.
I agree with you but at the same time I blame you for what you have mentioned.
There are many difficulties facing young people in our societies these days, but the matter is not gloomy as you mentioned. The most beautiful saying which my father Dr. `Abdul-Karim Bakkar used to say is that we live today our days of glory since the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him).
You may find that strange but it is true and based on a profound study.
Anyway, what you are facing with your daughters is a very common problem, but rather global because young men and women are passing by clear and weird changes. Adolescence is not a transitory period from childhood to matureness, but it is a distinct phase which has its own features and needs exclusive treatment, so review the following points with me:
First, in this stage we most likely need to be closer to our children, so keep an eye on them from a distance and support them without direct interference because they will not allow you to do so, as this is one of the features of this stage.
They need an important matter which is acceptance and believing them in regard to their concerns, views, and impressions.
Their views may seem to be absurd but it is okay to accept them because they are temporal.
Listen to them, support them, and appreciate their feelings in every moment, no matter how weird these feelings are.
Of the effective means of drawing nearer to them is to speak about yourself, your feelings when you were at their age and about the feelings of unity and alienation after the change of their bodies and psychology. Speak with them about inclination to the opposite sex, about friendship, self-confidence, feminity and beauty, the bad effect of betrayal, and other topics that busy their minds. Give them the chance to express themselves and pay attention to what they are saying.
Someone came to Stephen Covey and said to him: "What should I do with my son; I do not understand him and he does not listen to me?" He asked him to repeat that statement three times then Stephen said to him: "If you want to understand him, you have to listen to him first, and not to let him only listen."
Indeed, if you want to understand them, you have to listen to them not to let them listen to you.
When you draw nearer to them, be careful about the following point.
Second, reduce admonition and advices as possible. Believe me: It is not worthy because they shall learn right from wrong through conversation and dialogue without direct indication. It is not easy to stop admonition and advising but try to stop them as possible.
Third, do your daughters fear you or fear to speak about what they feel or what they think about?
This is a bad sign because of the continuous rebuke and scolding, so do not expect that they tell you everything as long as they see your anger and rebuke as a result of their speech, but whenever you understand their feelings and reduce rebuke and scolding, they shall draw nearer to you.
Reaching that stage is great and needs more work and self-discipline.
Finally, your target is to protect them from major actions until they pass this stage peacefully, so you have to overlook minor actions because that is the best solution.
May Allah guide you to all goodness and welcome to Alukah Website.