Peace be upon you!
Dear Sheikh, in the beginning I would like to explain to you that I have been married to a perfect husband in many qualities, but sometimes he says bad words.
My husband is married to another wife and I am the second wife. We had a conversation about marriage and he said to me: He is very happy with me but if Allah caused me to die, he shall marry another woman and if my fellow wife died, he would marry another wife.
I have gone crazy because of that speech which caused me to lose my nerves and began to think about my devotion to him.
I said to him: It is good you have said so because you consider me like a servant for you and for your house where I have been loyal to you because of my love which blinded me to think that someday you will marry another woman.
I forgot about my education and my collage certificate, and dedicated my day and night for you and for the house, moreover, I did things that were not required; all these were for you. I said to him: The Shari`ah ruling says that the wife's serving to her husband is not obligatory.
Once, he heard about that ruling, he was stunned and mocked at it. I said to him: I have become like a maid since you ask me to wipe your shoes or throw his clothes or tissues on the floor and I have to pick them up and clean the mess.
I said to him that my speech was in the state of anger, then he got angry and told me to go to my room and not to talk to him until the next day.
Frankly, he has the right to be angry because he has stopped doing these acts time ago because of my pregnancy and that made me angry.
Since then, we have not treated each other as in old days and he does not ask me to prepare tea or clean his shoes as if he has decided to do without me, moreover he does not speak to me but at need and sleeps outside the bedroom.
After all the love we had, I said to him: How long are we going to be in that condition? Do you want me to go to my family? He said to me: As you wish. I asked him: Do you hate me? He did not answer.
I feel that he wants me to go to my family, what should I do? I sent him messages telling him that I serve him out of love and sincerity not because it is a fundamental practice, but I said that because I was angry at his words that he would marry another woman if I die. What would be my reaction after hearing that speech after a short period of our marriage?
He said to me that he has married me because of the negligence of his wife. I found excuses for him but what is his excuse when he thinks about marrying another woman? The bigger problem is that he feels I counted my favors on him by serving him, therefore he hated me.
I want your advice, what should I do to gain him back?
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Wa `Alaykumus-Salam wa-Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh (peace be upon you).
My dear sister, in the beginning I would like to welcome you to Alukah Network, and I ask Allah (may He be Exalted) to guide us in offering what is beneficial to you.
I would like to appreciate your eagerness to keep an intimate and strong relationship with your husband, and your love to him is conspicuous. I wish that you invest these positive advantages to restore your good relationship with your husband.
My dear sister, it becomes clear from your message that you had a fight and its bad consequences affected you badly. It is not wise that a person discloses all his inner feelings to someone, especially if he is involved with those feelings because it may cause problems.
In spite of that, your husband told you about his intention of marrying another woman if something happens to you or to his first wife. Perhaps your husband wanted to arouse your jealousy to feel your severe love to him.
However, no doubt it will lead to other problems that may reflect on your feeling of instability and psychological comfort.
As for you, my dear, I find that your reaction was over and unjustified and I hope you accept my words because they will restore your previous life.
I wish you sit alone and analyze the whole situation and go back to the conversation. Imagine that you answered him calmly and reminded him of his love to you and to his other wife.
He should feel the loss because he has lost his wife and his life companion. Imagine that you handled the situation that way without blaming him, what would be the response of your husband; not only in your conversation with him but also in forming his impression about your personality and thoughts?
My dear sister, this short and simple response should be your method in life and in dealing with your husband and others. Emotional balance and wisdom are the control of your good conduct and sound interpretation.
I find that you have missed good interpretation and misjudged the situation by entitling your message (my husband hates me) as if it has become a reality, whereas the matter is not but an anger at your speech.
Therefore, I wish you try again and be kind with him, do not discuss with him what happened because it may have a negative impact in this period.
Therefore, it might be better now that you quit debating with him about that problem or about his current situation. Do not show your upset of his current behavior, taking into consideration your responsibilities and duties without affecting the baby's health and condition.
I advise you to occupy yourself with something pleasant to you such as one of your hobbies which do not require an effort that may affect your health, or dedicating part of your time for a positive activity that you like.
If the situation continues for a long time, which is a low probability if you do the previous steps, you may ask him to discuss your current situation without prior judgments or questions about what he thinks, what he feels, or what he wants? Focus your conversation on: Error is a human instinct but having strong determination not to repeat it and accepting the display of each other's defects are the factors which rectify and correct the human personality and reinforce his successful relationship with others.
Do not forget the importance of invocation, and beseech Allah to grant you the love and intimacy of your husband because hearts are between two fingers from the fingers of the Most Gracious.
Finally, I conclude with the following invocation: May Allah reform the relationship between you and your husband, grant you intimacy, mercy, and good offspring. As I ask Him to make you beneficial to the people, and to hear good news from you.