Why do We follow the Method of Reward, rather than Threat? (3/3)

The fourth phase (adolescent)

Adolescents are characterized by stubbornness, objection, and pigheadedness. They have a desire for realization of self-esteem even if their opposition was for its own sake. They show inflation of blind self-dignity. This inflation may drive them to continue wrong deeds-despite of their belief of seriousness of their actions-if they have doubts that their decision of giving up is affected by any external influence. We should know that trying to impose something on adolescents does not work; rather it would widen the gap. The rule states", any action has an equal reaction similar to it in strength, but in opposite direction". Thus, we should listen to our kids, and treat them as kind as possible.

The following is a graded program, because trying to impose our kids to do something will have negative results. "Any action has an equal reaction similar to it in strength, but in opposite direction".

This program would take three months, may be less or more, according to Allah's support.

First stage:

It would take three weeks or more. At this stage, we must stop talking about this issue-prayer-altogether, whether directly or indirectly. This matter is similar to giving our kids a medicine prescribed by a physician, but we do not know thoroughly components and effects of this medicine. If a kid becomes rebellious in adolescent phase, this would be similar to catching flu in winter. Parents should remember that they are trying to constitute a conscience, and tackle an issue-if not treated at this age, no one but Allah knows how consequences would be. Thus, patience is the only means to be followed with reliance on Allah, the one who is to be asked.

Back to our treatment which is to stop talking about prayer for three weeks. The purpose is to make them forget our desire to push them to pray. In this way, we can draw a dividing line between our relationship and this issue.

Accordingly, they can regain trust in our relationship and be sure that we love them but we refuse only their ill deeds. Tension in relationships of parents/kid due to disputes creates a thorny fence .This fence hurts both parents and kids, if they tried to come close to each other. Thus, adolescents start to feel psychological hurt when talking to their parents. In this stage, we try to remove such fence that separates parents and kids.

Second stage:

This stage is called silent action. It takes three weeks or month. In this stage, we would not talk to them about prayer, but we can do some deliberate actions. For instance, a father can put prayer rug on his son's favorite chair in living room, or on his bed, or in any other place. Then, the father comes back to take it while he thinks loudly "Where is the rug? I want to pray. Oh time is passing. I nearly forget prayer." He can ask him between times of prayers "My dear, what time is it? Have you heard the call of prayer? How long is still to pray? Have you seen me praying? How forgettable am I? Oh, my God I may forget anything but prayer." Following this manner for three weeks, the adolescent relaxes and forgets our pressure. At this time, you can start the third stage.

Third stage:

On intervals starts to ask him naturally to go out with you and share you some religious lessons pretending that you need just to accompany him saying, "My dear, I am tired but I want to attend this lesson ,come with me to support me". If he refused to come, you should not persist, and ask him later to accompany you. You can also share with him matters of your worship. A mother can be close to her girl by asking her about her new veil saying, "My dear what do you think about my new veil. Do you like this veil tie?" The mother can say "Do you like to hear this tape". What do you think about it? I will tell you what happened in today's lesson". Then the mother can hear her girl's comment concerning the lesson. She can also advise her daughter to do worship like her.  

Let your daughter/son talk about him or herself, and express opinions concerning lessons that we told them about. We should also let them ask about religion.

It must be noted that:

*We should not enter a stage without `finishing the previous one successfully. The main purpose is to break the ice in our relationship and turn them back to religion.

This graded treatment is like antibiotics that should be taken in doses until the end.  If parents hasten for the end, and use their authority to order their kids to follow their instructions during those three weeks, they should restart the treatment again.

At this time, parents should be convinced not to talk about prayer. If they succeed in all these steps, if Allah so wills, they can bring up a good person. Again, they will a good example for their kids, Therefore, thanks to Allah, one day their kids will be good worshippers. Moreover, they may complain that they postponed their appointment because of their long prayers!

*Parents should not comment on their kids' mistakes in prayer but in a limited manner. We can ignore some mistakes in prayer such as devoutness (khushu'). We should limit our comment to mistakes that cannot be ignored such as prayer without ablution. 

*Always, ask for Allah's support. Do not be sad and supplicate for and never against your son/daughter. Remember that treatment takes long time, but it will end safely - if Allah so wills.

Kids at this age will forget and develop quickly especially if we understand nature of the phase they undergo. Thus, we should treat our kids quietly and friendly.