Choosing a life partner

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. Peace and blessings be upon the best of all Messengers. Welcome to Al Alukah.

Parents play an important role in preparing children for marriage, and that role does not start by betrothal, but it starts from childhood.

Usually, we find many who are interested in buying all the requirements of the couple, such as furniture, clothing, and other stuff, and make sure to teach the girl the basis of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the house. They also teach the boy how to be a real man with strong personality and how to be responsible, but few of those parents care for teaching the boys and the girls the basics of the marital life, the fundamentals of dealing with a husband and a wife a husband or wife, dialogue, and the importance of respecting each other. Therefore, as parents teach their boys and girls the different recipes of food and drink, they have to teach them the basis of a successful dialogue, respect for each spouse to another, and proper handling of issues, and the rules of having a happy marital life which should not be through oral instructions only but by watching and living as well. A person learn from things that he or she sees and lives more than they learn from what they read or memorize. So, the successful relationship between the parents and watching how the father and the mother deal and respect one another has a great role in the success of children’s marriage. Likewise, the kind upbringing that is based on mutual trust between the parents and children; dialogue, frankness, respect, and justice contribute in raising a normal psychologically balanced person. Accordingly, he will be able to meet the pressures and problems of life with wisdom in order to reach the appropriate solution. Thus, he will be able to make his marriage successful because as soon as he starts marriage, problems and differences between the spouses manipulate his head and these problems will wane away if they are handled correctly with wisdom and patience. The role of the parents, as we mentioned, begins with birth and not at taking the decision of marriage.

• How can a family play the role of a guide, a mentor, and sponsor of any marriage project?

As mentioned before, if the family has raised the children in the right way that is based on love and understanding, the children would consult them and ask for their advice at every problem; not to mention consulting them at marriage. Because their relationship is harmonious and full of understanding, they will accept the advice of their parents and act accordingly; often there will be no clash or conflict between them.

• What are the boundaries permissible for the parents to interfere in choosing the spouse or putting the descriptions of the spouse?

The Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.” [Reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim]. The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said: “When someone, whose religion and morals are accepted to you, comes to you, let him marry (your daughter), otherwise there will be trial in the land and great corruption.” [Reported by At-Tirmidhy].

Women in our religion are married because of these four qualities, and men are married for these two qualities. I think this is the boundaries in which parents can interfere to specify, but with limits too. The most important thing is the comfort which a husband and wife feels for one another and their satisfaction with the specifications that differ from someone to another; you may see something pretty while others see it normal or even ugly.

A son or a daughter is the one who lives with the spouse, therefore, they are the basis for determining the specifications that they want, provided that they must include the qualities that the Prophet (peace be upon him) had mentioned in order to protect the religion, morals, and the human soul. If the consent of a boy or a girl is not important, the Prophet (peace be upon him) would not have said: “A virgin should not be married till she is asked for her consent; and the matron should not be married till she is asked whether she agrees to marry or not.” It was asked, “O Allah’s Messenger! How will she (the virgin) express her consent?” He said, “By keeping silent.”” [Reported by Al-Bukhari]. It was reported in another version of Al-Bukhari: “A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission. The people asked, “O Allah’s Messenger! How can we know her permission?” He said: “Her silence (indicates her permission).””

The Prophet (peace be upon him) urged and exhorted to seeking the approval of the daughter whether she is virgin or married before. Another proof, a group of people came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said: there are two men proposed for our daughter: a man who is insolvent, but young, and a solvent person, but he is old. Our daughter loves the young man, though he is insolvent; whom should we let him marry. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to them: “There is no solution for love but marriage.” That means the Prophet (peace be upon him) approved the wish of the girl though it disagrees with their desire, which proves that the parents do not have the full right to specify and select a partner.

Parents must keep in mind that they let their children marry and not getting marry for themselves. They are in a time different to the time when they married, therefore, let them give freedom for their children to choose their life partner under a kind control and wise guidance from the parents in order to achieve happiness for all.

• In case a boy or girl insists to marry someone who is not suitable or not accepted by the parents, what should we do?

First of all, I do not advise boys and girls to disobey their parents in the issue of marriage because stubbornness will bring about undesirable actions that may result in cutting the ties of kinship, division, and anger of the parents, therefore,

I advise them with the following:

♦ They should advance reason to passion, as the saying goes "loving something makes you blind and deaf." So, they will not able to see the flaws and disadvantages in the other party, consequently, they cannot take a logical decision.

♦ Do not engage in relationship that its limits are not well identified.

♦ If a boy or girl religious and finds in himself or herself that they have inclination to someone, we ask them to repeat the attempts of telling someone near to him, such as the mother, the maternal or the paternal aunt in order to speak on his behalf. We ask them to be decisive before telling anyone. It would be hard for a boy or a daughter to live with the family of his spouse while they reject that marriage.

As for the parents, we ask them to think of the following:

♦ To make sure that the reason for rejection leads to a real harm, and not because of customs and traditions that are unfounded.

♦ To know whether their boys and girls like that person and wish to establish a family with.

♦ To remember the Prophet’s Hadith in which he (peace be upon him) advanced the wish of the girl to the desire of the parents when a group of people came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said: there are two men proposed for our daughter: a man who is insolvent, but young, and a solvent person, but he is old. Our daughter loves the young man, though he is insolvent; whom should we let him marry. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to them: “There is no solution for love but marriage.”

Insisting on rejection could lead to bigger and more harmful problems than that had taken place, or are expected to occur.