As-salamu `Alaykum warahmatullah wabarakatuh (May Allah's Peace, Mercy, and Blessings be upon you!).
I am a girl who was raped in young age and I cannot forget that scene.
I was very young at 3 or 4 years old and I woke up to find one of my relatives lying on me. I could not stop him because I was afraid. I pretended to be asleep because I did not know what was going on and what he was doing with me because I was an innocent child? Allah is sufficient for us, and how fine a trustee He is!
The question is:
Now, I am 20 years old and I have doubts that I am no longer a virgin, am I still a virgin and how can I know that?
I did not tell this secret to anyone but you, what should I do?
Every now and then many righteous men propose to me and by Allah, it never happened that I get to know a young man because I am a religious girl and wearing a veil. Now, I go to a Qur'an session but I am afraid of marriage, what should I do?
May Allah reward you!
Invoke Allah to guide me!
If you have read my previous counsels, you will find out my deep sorrow and pain for any of the family problems, especially sexual harassment. Despite the old saying: (Touching may kill feelings), sexual harassment, especially with kids, is different because it arouses feelings and incites pains.
To Allah we complain. May Allah help you and support you, how could you spend 16 years without revealing this secret to anyone? I assume that you lived disrupted childhood, So, benefit from your experience until if you beget children - by the will of Allah - in the future to draw them near you where you encourage them to be frank and put their trust in you.
As for you, I sympathize with you strongly and I understand your fear and worries. I would like to ask you a question: Are you willing to marry or not? There are some women who refuse marriage in their unconscious due to a painful experience or they do not understand the concept of marriage. As a result, they refuse marriage in the light of such incidents. If there is no accident in the first place, they will search for another accident like this one to justify their refusal of marriage so as not to feel guilt; where the origin and the pure disposition is marriage. If this is the case, search and think why do you have such a feeling? Is there a bad model from your relatives or parents? Is it because of the person who sexually harassed you (i.e., if it was a different harasser, the pain could be lesser)?
If you do not mind marrying and you are worry to be deflowered, I say to you: The accident was done when you were four years old and you spoke about as rape, how could you make sure it was rape? Yes, it is a kind of sexual harassment but it is not rape.
Thanks to Allah that medicine has progressed a lot and you can go to see a gynecologist and ask her to examine you. This can be difficult, but your disrupted psychology is much complicated and terribly hurt even if the hymen was cut, you may operate a surgery to fix it by the will of Allah.
I advise you to talk to your mother, your aunt, or your big sister about your worries. Let it be known that if anxiety and problem are divided into several pieces and into several individuals, it will be light, but choose the one whom you share pains and worries with. If you take your mother to the gynecologist, the doctor will not hesitate to fix it for you.
Accept marriage, enjoy life as a regular girl, and hide the matter from your husband because such matters annoy men terribly, no matter how much he loves you because it is included in jealousy that subject to feelings and emotions rather than logic.
What if the husband has little experience, does not love you as should, or he is moody? The situation will be much difficult for him.
Do what I said and remember that frequent resorting to Allah (may He be Glorified and Exalted) with invocation and Salah will guide you to the best.