My children are annoying

Question:

I have a big problem which is the naughtiness of my children. When we are at home, they do not stop playing and messing in everything, and when we go out, we face many embarrassing situations with the people because of their naughtiness.

Their father says: They are young, so we should not beat them and I do not prefer beating as an educational method; so what is the solution?

Answer:

Dear sister, welcome to (Alukah) Website and thank you for your question and interest.

I understand your worry and suffering in dealing with your naughty children and this is a common problem. However, there are some matters that we should review here:

Many of the children's troubles are means to draw the attentions to them when they lose interest.

Therefore, we have to grant children more time and concern by playing with them, taking them to picnics, talking and listening to them, and sharing their interests.

The primary key in changing any behavior is the wise method for reward and punishment. Unfortunately, the parents often reinforce the behavior of (naughtiness) in children, not to eliminate it. When a child loses attention and care, it does a naughty act to draw the attentions to it by yelling at our faces. The message which we should send to the child at that time is: "If you want to draw the attentions, be naughty."

What should be done is to reinforce, in every occasion, the child's commitment to the suitable behavior through encouraging words, soft touches, and material gifts.

There are multiple means for punishment other than beating, of which: Deprivation of beloved things and isolation in a room for a short period. Before punishment, we should pay attention to some matters:

(1) Warning, explanation, and telling the child about the expected punishment should precede punishment, such as to say to him before going to the market: "If you do troubles in the market, I will not buy you anything."

(2) Choose a logic punishment: Sometimes parents do a mistake by choosing impossible punishments, such as: "If you do troubles, I shall never speak to you."

(3) You should feel that punishment is for rearing not for the punishment itself, and not to abreact anger or avenge.

(4) Punish it at once in a strict and clear way and tell it that it is the punishment which you told it about.

(5) After the end of the punishment, do not blame, despise, or even remind it of what it has done.

In psychology clinics, we use the table of enhancing behavior, which is a daily schedule that seeks to change a specific behavior. It is written at the top of the table "enhancing behavior" then we use small stickers like (stars) every time a child does something positive. By a former agreement, when a child achieves a certain number of (stars) —five for example— it is given the opportunity to choose its prize; such as: Going to a restaurant, to the city of games, or buy a toy and so on.

Some negative behaviors may need not a punishment but you should ignore as if nothing had happened.

At the same time, hasten to reinforce any positive behavior even if it is stopping a previous negative behavior; you may say to it: "Look at my dear child who does not beat its brother," when it stops that behavior even for an hour instead of "Why did you hit your brother?"

Beware of hesitation in rearing and guiding, one time it is asked to do something but the next you prohibit it to do the same thing.

Some children, who are suffering naughtiness and hyperactivity, are actually infected by a common mental illness which is (hyperactivity and attention deficit), and here the child seems to be in a hurry, not sitting in one place, and lacks attention. These are the symptoms of the disease which is usually divided into two groups (the presence of all symptoms are not required):

A - A lack of focus, and its symptoms are:

- Inability to pay attention or not to pursue the subject until the end.

- Lack of interest in the actions which require a mental focus "such as study."

- Absent-mindedness from the main subject which needs focus.

- Frequent forgetting of the required daily tasks.

B - Hyperactivity and onrush, and its symptoms are:

- Instability in one place, frequent restlessness, and moving when it is forced to sit.

- Running quickly without paying attention, climbing dangerous things; some people may describe it as "if a child is running on wheels."

- Talking too much and inability to abide by the order either in queues or in play.

- Rashness in answers and interrupting others.

If some of these symptoms apply to your children, I advise you to see a psychiatrist to diagnose and treat its illness because it is easy.

Conclusion: We must remember that the process of instilling a new behavior is complex and needs work at more than one level, for a long time, and by the participation of all members of the family, but it is worth to try.

May Allah grant us success and guide us to the best!